i was feeling a little un-centered today (is that i word? it should be; you know not centered, off center, out of focus …) it has been a week of burden bearing. walking alongside friends as they trudge through the deep sludge of life. my soul feet feel heavy and my spiritual breaths short and labored. gray clouds, snow, rain, and chilly temperatures have done nothing but increase the oppression of the week. (i’m greatly affected by the weather- why is it? i probably shouldn’t be so fickle, but warm rays of sunshine make my heart happy everyday- maybe i should move to california?)
this morning the sun has come sneaking through the somber clouds, and i decide i need a walk. not a, put on my yoga pants arm pumping kind of walk, a soul walk. i need to do it more; take a walk; remind myself how grateful i am to live here; see my creator: in the smooth rocks, the sun rays over the mountain, and the mountain flowers peeking up. i need to gaze on the horizon and remember there is more astir then what i see. as my feet step over brush and stride across an open field; i need to feel peace and calm.
rocks lie in the hay field; little disturbances to life. the hay will still grow, but not as well, not quite as much unless the rocks are removed. all i need do is pick them up; pile them along the fence. it’s a tiny task; it will go unnoticed by farmer seated on his tractor. but i will know; i will know that a few more sprouts will surface because they have been freed- they have space to grow. i will pick up smooth stones and know that they have weathered some time in the field, but the time has come for them to move. i will see that hearts need stirring, and rocks need moving. growth is inevitable; growth is tough. sometimes i can reach in and move stones; sometimes i can help. sometimes i can’t.
my soul thirsts for this; for walking and remembering. for picking up stones knowing that new days will come, that hearts will heal and grow. i can breath deep and exhale; i can take soul steps.
some moments are all: woohoo i put on ice skates today and skated around the pond with the boys with no falling, and “mommy we won’t laugh at you if you fall because we love you.”
some moments are: an email from an old friend whose husband is ill; they found a mass on his lungs.
some moments are: i’m meeting new people and reaching out and talking and perchance making new friends.
some moments are: missing a comfortable easy place
some moments are: stretching and pulling and painfully revealing
some moments are: little boys snuggled in to listen to pirate stories
some moments are: leafy greens because i know i should
some moments are: steaming tea with too much homemade super sweet creamer because it is just delicious
just a million little moments i can soak in or miss all on a monday.
inconveniences can sometimes be the most frustrating things!
i watched our new suburban being cranked onto a tow truck today- the driver’s side all smashed in and wrecked; willing myself to be thankful. thankful: that no one was hurt; that my boys were in the truck and not on bikes when the teenager didn’t bother to look before he pulled out into the intersection; that the hubs bought a work truck this week so we momentarily have three cars and i am not stuck….
but it is terribly hard to be thankful when i know we are facing a long process with insurance companies and vehicle repair. it is hard not to be annoyed when we just got shattered windows fixed last week. it is hard not to be angry knowing they may total our truck and give us less money than we paid for it a few weeks ago. it is hard not to question the purpose of something like this— this non-tragedy. it is difficult to not be frustrated when my plans for the days are wrecked by smashing cars and too many phone calls to tell the same story. it is so hard not to be consumed by a rough week that only holds three days so far. biggest boy’s gashed head on monday, smashed truck on tuesday, disrupted school for insurance info on wednesday.
this is the stuff of my life; and I fight to be joyful in it. pray that i can find joy in the rest of the week.